Recollections Gone Wild!!!

1 Thessalonians 5:12-22

2012-01-29T04:43:00.001-06:00

"Dear brothers and sisters, honor those who are your leaders in the Lord’s work. They work hard among you and give you spiritual guidance. Show them great respect and wholehearted love because of their work. And live peacefully with each other.

Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone.

See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people.

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. Do not scoff at prophecies, but test everything that is said. Hold on to what is good. Stay away from every kind of evil."
-1 Thessalonians 5:12-22

2012-01-28T15:49:00.001-06:00

Funny how we all wait for things that never happen...believe in people we never should have...and hurt so much...

But we still choose to believe.
And I will.

Muses and all.

2012-01-27T23:06:00.001-06:00

On...and...on...and...on...

2012-01-24T09:31:00.000-06:00

"Wub wub."

Oh Irony, Love, Just Irony

2012-01-23T17:54:00.003-06:00

I sort of saw this financial problem coming.
The Monsters on my back...distract and distort...

It is hard to see things as they truly are.
What is.
As it were.

I don't need a lot of money or comfort.
As is, my existence each day is a bookend of pain.

Purpose.
Drive.
Battle worth fighting.
Story worth writing.
Allocating and finding these verbs.
Applying.

People employs these verbs as nouns and make career and the money thing.
Not bad.
I have to do that more.
It's just hard to focus on what feels like a trifling thing when there are so many larger unresolved issues.

What good will food and survival do me if I cannot rid myself of these Monsters?
They haunt my waking thoughts and nightmares.
Slithering in shadows they wait watching.

Irony is that the solutions I keep getting heaped into my lap are only half answers.
The number of those pointing out valid and true solutions are few.
Whereas the need to generate and make moves on and on.
Funny how that happens with out without you.

2012-01-23T11:21:00.001-06:00

Oie.
Words never quite work when I need them to...

2012-01-23T00:55:00.001-06:00

I keep forgetting to forget...

2012-01-22T22:17:00.000-06:00

"Come and find me on this floor
I am only a half, truth be told
Take away all the distance and say:
"my beloved, I'm here, and now you are whole"
If I turn and see your eyes in the dark I will know the blue in an instant
Never have they gone so far
Never has your face been distant
My life I will give you like a verse and a ring
I will be your only one
And what you ask of me will be yours until all is said and done

Your heart is a song that I hear Jesus sing
It comes over oceans to me
And the notes spell out messages in vibrant streams
And what's written you show only me

But if you can't close up all the gaps tonight
Put me to bed in your way
You see right through everything I am
For you my insides are displayed
Sing me to sleep my beautiful one
I will love only you for all time
Sing me to sleep my only one
With promises that you are all mine"

Random Inspiration:

2012-01-22T18:34:00.001-06:00

Haven't read all this page but what I've looked over it's nice to know I am not insane or alone. That I am not the only one who has trouble turning the world "off" and to stop feeling the pain of others.

I've not been able to vocalize that...but it's like diving head first into water while burning from this world of repressive dead spirituality.

Melodrama much?
Yes.

http://www.squidoo.com/the-empath-next-door

2012-01-22T16:19:00.001-06:00

Words.
Words.
Words.

I just cannot get them to come out and form in the exact phrasing...and order I need them in.

Bah.

2012-01-22T00:50:00.001-06:00

Busts...here and there.
I feel so hungry...
...but it's stress.
Not actual need for food.
Just for 'something' to do, as it were.

And pain.
And the old monster of depression.

So I can't be lonely.
Too many around.

Another Saturday (Okay Really Friday) Night

2012-01-20T21:01:00.002-06:00

I'm not entirely sure if I'm okay with being here.
Not really seeing...things.
Oie.

Loneliness is the soul's discontentment.
And I'm not sure if it is me or the world out of synch.

I suppose, just suppose we shall see...

2012-01-19T05:23:00.001-06:00

It's a little cold.

"Silence" - Blindside

2012-01-18T04:04:00.001-06:00

Random Thought of the Day:

2012-01-16T22:40:00.000-06:00

Would botching a resurrection spell by failing to heal the intended target and instead raise an entire graveyard be considered critically succeeding at critically failing?

2012-01-16T01:28:00.001-06:00

Soul rending things.

Wooo.

" Anthem" - Five Iron Frenzy

2012-01-15T18:24:00.003-06:00

"Pushing us a drug that you call freedom and democracy
Promise us that selfishness is the means for happiness
I burned that bridge so long ago that I can hardly see
Anything but solace in what freedom means to me
I can't fall anymore For some silver-tongued song
Freedom isn't free So let me say what freedom means to me
It cannot mean to serve ourselves
That doesn't mean a thing
It doesn't mean to give the license
To seek ourselves in anything
That would be slavery to ourselves it isn't free
Jesus Christ, the only thing that freedom means to me."

2012-01-15T18:12:00.001-06:00

I hate, hate, hate this smug feeling of self righteousness...

Quote of the Day:

2012-01-13T04:30:00.000-06:00

"I am sorry: sorry you have come in for this burden: sorry about everything. Don't adventures ever have an end? I suppose not. Someone else always has to carry on the story..."
-Bilbo Baggins

2012-01-13T02:32:00.001-06:00

Such conflict.
Turmoil.
Things I never wanted.
Dreamed of.
Or had nightmares of what could happen.

As always.

Choice.
Live.
Die.
Fight.
Surrender.

I can either fight to make a future or simply let go and let the story here.
But never, is it so simple.
So much pain.
So much regret.
But so much more hope.
So much to dream of.
To dare to dream.

"You" - Kevin Max

2012-01-13T02:23:00.000-06:00

"I ran into your arms like Moses parted water
I ran into your arms like an angel to the father
I ran into your arms like a soul that has departed & u rescued me...

I fell down like the stars, u pick me up so tenderly
And I fell down like the stars, my wings made of clay
And I fell down like the stars, you hold me up so all can see
And u rescued me, oh yes

You, You are the One
You are the One, the only One
‘Cause You are,
You, You are the One
You are the One, You are my God

I stumble like a blind man
Destined to this earth I stray
I stumble like a blind man
No redemption
I stumble like a blind man
With eyes blacked out & a mouth of sand
And you rescued me, oh come on

You, You are the One
You are the One, You are my God
‘Cause You are,
You, You are the One
You are the One, the only One

‘Cause you are,

You are the sky that holds the rain
You are my greater stave
You are the drugs that kill the pain
You are everything, the teacher

I stand before your altar,
Falling strain of Abram’s son
I stand before your altar,
Like a lamb that’s to a slaughter

You, You are the One
You are the One, the Only One
‘Cause You are
You, You are the One
You are the One, the only One
And You are
You, You are the One
You are the One
You are my God
And you are
You, You are the One
You are the One, the only One
‘Cause You are

You wanna call me when I’m wondering with doubt
You wanna call and tell me everything’s alright
I know it’s you and you see everything in me
I know it’s you, It’s you

You are the sky that holds the rain
You are my greater stave
You are the drugs that kill my pain
You are everything, the teacher

You are the sky that holds the rain
You are my greater stave
You are the drugs that kill the pain"

Blessed Deconstruction

2012-01-13T02:05:00.003-06:00

Living in,
living doubt.
Daily grind,
dreaming in
wanting, just waiting to punch out.

Pushing here at the artifice,
peddling emotions as a high.
Feeling, and living
in this disconnect of reality.
Pushing on.
Pressing through.
Forward through the shadows and flames.

Tear stained regrets aside
as wings spread out,
not that we fly
but that we ride
falling free
and falling true.

Hand in hand,
choosing the path
and wanderers wondering,
on this path of life
as we stumble onward
feeling
and singing the truth of the heart.

Pushing aside regret,
feeling the pull of wind
and the kiss of God's loving embrace,
as we are enveloped,
these wings carrying us
where we would never dare to tread.

2012-01-13T02:02:00.001-06:00

Weird?

Nay.

Bizarre.

Unending bizarreness.

2012-01-09T23:00:00.001-06:00

And...things become weirder by the day...

2012-01-09T09:01:00.000-06:00

Hi Me.

Nothing in particular.

Just saying hi.

2012-01-07T11:22:00.001-06:00

Bah.
Why must fast food be addictive?
Such delightfully unhealthy tastes and convenience.
Oh well, back to the nom of raw vegetables.
Woo.

2012-01-07T09:22:00.002-06:00

A week into this new year.
My sinuses still have not recovered...but are almost back to their normal levels of irritated mess.
Silly doctors do not know how to return phone calls.

Plus side for work.
Speaking of work...

*Dataentryninjavanishbomb*

2012-01-06T05:42:00.004-06:00

What IS it with you people and slash?
Furthermore, what the HELL is WRONG with you people?
...and slash?

That may be the single greatest reason why I am glad to not be published and there to be so few who know of my characters.

The very thought that someone would take mine...and do that with.
Ick.
Shudder.

2012-01-04T23:57:00.003-06:00

The dark wind howls.

Things are changing.

And so they shall here.

Very soon.

2012-01-04T23:57:00.001-06:00

Me being judgmental...oh the irony of that one...

Oh RP, are you Lonesome Tonight?

2012-01-04T09:11:00.006-06:00

I think, think, think I am feeling better.
Am a bit sad I can't join my old Faction mates from The Matrix Online, on The Old Republic, but I'll live.

That would require the game, monthly payments and odds are a new gaming rig...far too much for my tiny budget right now.

I miss the stories, the constant story making process and being able to create on the fly.

That is what I love about Tabletop RPG's but there is something about the MMO that makes it easier to let go and make a character as a character. You aren't limited by your physical abilities of making sound, voices and movements...but can narrate and make what is really in your mind.

I miss playing Ninten and Lord Squishy so much.
I think both can fit into the Star Wars universe but if they can, it can wait.
Either someone is going to have to be a digital Sugar Daddy for me and buy me the game and help with getting the hardware or I'm going to have to treat this like my PlayStation 3 and save, save, save, save and hope for the best.

Regardless, I'll live without that particular avenue of story outlet.
World of Warcraft is something I only miss because it involved one of the most amazing people in the world and I happened to meet her via the game. It's strange how the digital world can sometimes lead to life changing experiences in this flesh and blood one.

Part of me wants to dive back into Azeroth, or maybe Middle-Earth.
Just to be able to let go of the current stressers I have and focus on story.
At this point most of the fanatical people will be moved on from the lowbie areas I have come to live in.

Well...just a thought.
I'm going to keep missing the old times in those games like I do rocking out with Forged in the Fire and Forgotten Purpose.
It's memories.
Neither bad nor good by themselves.
And I have the most important friendships and love from those times in my heart.
Which I will never forget.
And carry with me from now until eternity.
Where Love will be made complete.

Also, why did I have the weird dream about RP and The Old Republic?
Strange.
I miss those Mxo people too much...

2012-01-03T22:02:00.001-06:00

Better...better...better...

2012-01-03T02:02:00.001-06:00

"So ya thought ya
Might like to go to the show
To feel the warm thrill of confusion,
That space cadet glow.
Tell me, is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes
You'll just have to claw your way through this disguise."

"Is There Anybody Out There?" - Pink Floyd

2012-01-03T01:51:00.000-06:00

"What Shall We Do?/ Empty Spaces" - Pink Floyd

2012-01-03T01:39:00.000-06:00

2012-01-03T01:21:00.002-06:00

I want to sleep.
Rather badly.
Not insomnia or worry.
Not the nagging feeling of being incomplete.

Not too long ago I had this ridiculous and silly idea that somehow another human being could bring me completion.

No human being cares beyond their immediacy.
It is how we are hard wire.
The few who do not are rightfully looked as being insane.

I wish I could regress into being more simple.
Infinitely more shallow.
Just focus on me.
Making things for me.
Not trying to fix so much.
Flee from stupid decisions and bad ideas.

I keep trying to be someone I am not.
I never was.
I never can be.
Someone I do not want.

Look me in the eyes.
If you can see.
You will know.

The eyes are a window to the soul.
But, look and see
because I'm not sure
what could be.

So many racing thoughts.
Voids.
Incomplete dialogue.
Harsh language.
Hatred.
Lusting over neediness.
Loathing.
This paled moonlight reflecting in my mirror.
Seeing everything.
Feeling nothing.
Want everything.
Being nothing.

So much conveyed.
So much darkness in song.
Something in light.
Pale ramblings pretending to be.
Again.
Again.
Again.

The water can flow.
Blood can pour.
Nothing will change the past.
This endless chasm between us and the pain.
It all feels like rambling lies.

Touch my face.
Feel the porcelain.
The painted on smile.
Sardonic glint in my eyes and all.

I don't think you could see behind this
if you clawed,
pulled
and tore
this damnable cage off.

Because you simply can't see the things
you never wanted
and feel the things
that may have been
or not.

New Years Day

2012-01-01T02:00:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year.
Or something.
Things.

Words are not working right now.
But it's a new day.
A new year.
A new world in theory.

2011-12-27T04:59:00.002-06:00

Despite all the negatives, pain, loneliness and distances...it was an unexpectedly mostly pleasant Christmas.

"Thank God it's Christmas" - Queen

2011-12-26T01:36:00.002-06:00

2011-12-25T21:07:00.001-06:00

"Thank God it's Christmas"

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T21:06:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas.
This one time of the year.
This one day.
Just a few short hours.
So much hope.
So many things and so many ways life could have been.

And here we are.
And here we are.

2011-12-24T04:50:00.002-06:00

There is some sort of awkwardly asinine idiocy of finding ways to justify misery or creating misery in God's name.

I am sick of this hole.
And the pain.
All of the evil that is in and of here.

I could stay here.
Could live here.
Remain in misery and never change.

Or force myself to keep going.
Embrace the pain and not stop.

Morning? Morning.

2011-12-24T04:38:00.002-06:00

That was so long ago.
Fading viridian,
and entwining lies with reason.

Another Me that I am not sure of,
never really knowing who it was
or might,
could have been.

Pain, hollow evenings
full of confusion
and poor decisions
spurned by pain.

I'm not sure who I was
or who I might become,
but I'm willing to claim that pain.

For once,
for what seems the first time
in memories stretching back,
there is a time
where I can let go
and be free of myself.

The Darkness,
the crippling hate of myself
and the self sabotage.

"Main Theme: Howl's Moving Castle" - Joe Hisaishi

2011-12-24T04:36:00.001-06:00

2011-12-24T04:08:00.001-06:00

Well that was a long nap.
And now...missed everyone I was wanting to talk to.
Bahness.

Plus side, Christmas Eve.
Even with how silly, painful, ridiculous and overbearing life is...there is at least some beauty.

2011-12-23T04:01:00.002-06:00

"You’ve got a cause now, I heard you braggin’.
Always the fastest one on the bandwagon.
So sit down and I’ll tell you, what I’m feeling,
what I am feeling.
For a lack of better words you are stealing,
you are stealing,
all of my joy away from me.
What ever happened to our unity?

We cut ourselves, our own limbs we've severed.
It's time for us to pull together and stand, as one.
All eyes are turning towards the Son.
Drop your fists now, what you resent.
Let's not forget who we represent.
And fall to our knees in unity.

Another day now, another doctrine,
another monkey wrench in the system.
Some folks kneelin', some just listen,
some fallin' out of the pews from twistin'.
I don't care kinds, how you do it.
United we'll stand and we'll pull through it.
All were dead once.
All enslaved.
Now pull together 'cause we've all been saved.

The only Jesus this world's gonna see,
is the Jesus in you and me.
So pick your cross up, stop your swingin'.
Stop and look at the stink you're bringin'
to this body with your fighting,
you bust more more knuckles that the wrongs your righting.
What's important, is where we relate,
it's the meaning of the word Amalgamate."

2011-12-23T03:40:00.000-06:00

"When the concrete of the world
Becomes too cumbersome to lift,
And the cataracts of fear and doubt
Cloak truth beyond what we can sift
And darkness, darkness bleeds its way,
When crippling anguish clouds our sight,
The ghosts of dusk have bared their teeth,
Set their claws to bring the night

Hold on,
Hold tight

Darkness can’t perceive the light,
though lightlessness has chilled us numb,
And though its wings may cloud the skies,
The dark shall never overcome

Light of the world,
Your love, has never failed

And these frail hands,
They tremble as they pen perhaps their last
And these weak words,
Can never say what cannot be surpassed

I need your love,
And most of all I want to feel your peace,
I need your love,"

2011-12-22T18:54:00.001-06:00

Meh.

2011-12-22T08:19:00.000-06:00

Veritas.

2011-12-22T08:05:00.001-06:00

Well I'm about out of depressing stuff to very vaguely refer to while appearing to be all depressed and noble.

Looks like I am stuck having to start feeling better and even smile.

What IS the world coming to these days?

2011-12-22T02:23:00.001-06:00

Clearing...wanting a clearance.
Just wishing...I could share...

"Head Down" - Nine Inch Nails

2011-12-21T23:37:00.001-06:00

"And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything"

2011-12-21T23:34:00.001-06:00

"Come and find me, my love
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
I leave no tracks, no scent, no trace
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
Please forget the things I said and I wrote
Forget them and throw them away
Forget the things that I wrecked and I broke
Forget me and throw me away
The dark to me is a comfort
It offers blindness to me
There are so many horrible things in the light
They hurt for me to see

If you find me, carry me home
Don’t wake me or whisper my name
Lock me in the warmth of your arms
And walk me away from my shame"

2011-12-21T23:29:00.001-06:00

Heh...such pretty lies.

Under Skin, Under Spirit

2011-12-21T23:25:00.004-06:00

And as the hours passed
the evening darkened,
the night took hold
and slowly strangled the light.

Removing any visages of hope
leaving a hollow space.
Madness and fear,
walk hand in hand
down the vale of broken spine
and slide into my soul.

Reminding,
screaming
and beating
home the message
that this is all fake.

2011-12-21T22:06:00.001-06:00

The whole "FEEL BETTER" or "HAVE YOU TRIED FEELING BETTER?!?" routine, surprisingly, doesn't actually work so well.

2011-12-21T19:48:00.000-06:00

Passive aggressive responses to passive aggressive responses just seems silly at this point.

2011-12-21T19:24:00.000-06:00

Words?

2011-12-21T18:07:00.001-06:00

And to think some losers actually PAY for this sort of motivation.

Phft.

2011-12-21T16:37:00.001-06:00

Retrograde.

2011-12-21T09:56:00.001-06:00

...hrmm...making up for lost time...

Living, and Missing the Dreams

2011-12-21T09:52:00.002-06:00

Weird how life always continues.
"With or without you"
It is really just so strange to be alive.
Feeling.
Breathing.
Aching.
Hurting.

Feeling the air enter and leave, my body aching while fighting off the virus and bacterias that keep trying to kill it.

The nerve cells freaking out and screaming messages here and there.

But air and water pass through my body, somehow allowing my soul to maneuver, fire thoughts that are interpreted by my aching, shaking hands.

Life.
Alive.
Beauty even while there is pain.
Goodness even when there is a dark.
The Darkness cannot overcome.
Hope lives.

Love will win.

Quote of the Day:

2011-12-21T00:48:00.001-06:00

“The story goes that a public sinner was excommunicated and forbidden entry to the church. He took his woes to God. 'They won't let me in, Lord, because I am a sinner.'

'What are you complaining about?' said God. 'They won't let Me in either.”
-Brennan Manning

2011-12-20T22:25:00.000-06:00

...it seems every time I stop to look...you aren't there...

2011-12-20T20:09:00.002-06:00

"Why, Mr. Anderson, why, why? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something, for more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love?

"Illusions, Mr. Anderson, vagaries of perception! Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose! And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although, only a human mind could create something as insipid as love!

"You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson, you must know it by now, you can't win! It's pointless to keep fighting! Why, Mr. Anderson, why?! Why do you persist?!"

"Because I choose to."

2011-12-20T19:58:00.001-06:00

It took till the fourth day.
That has to be an all time personal best for me.

2011-12-20T16:43:00.001-06:00

I never quite realized how much of this feels like just one big lie.

Heh.

At least I have the refuge of the comedic.

Laughing while this damn ship is burning down as it sinks.

2011-12-20T14:24:00.002-06:00

Meh.

2011-12-20T14:23:00.002-06:00

I'm so tired of being sick.
In pain.
So...tired of this isolation.
Lack of in person human interaction.
Genuine, trusting, humane interaction.

"Creep" - Radiohead

2011-12-20T02:31:00.000-06:00

Well that was twenty times on repeat.
Time to do something else...

2011-12-20T02:16:00.000-06:00

"But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here"

Night Courses in Despondency

2011-12-20T02:15:00.005-06:00

Clicking into midnight,
falling, falling and spinning
working for insight
just as the static rises
blinding and aching in my soul,
wanting you,
yeah babe just wanting You.

Interference on the horizon,
losing sight
and the distance hurts.
Yeah it's a given
but with the fading light
it's just death to my comfort.

Again, again and again
spinning on life's merry-go-round
and thought I've wanted off,
here I will stay.

Spinning, fading and dreaming.
Night coming and going,
learning and plotting
and hoping
just hoping for more.

Psalm 79

2011-12-19T10:05:00.004-06:00

"Help us, O God of our salvation!
Help us for the glory of your name.
Save us and forgive our sins
for the honor of your name."
-Psalm 79:9

I never know what to pray and as much as I claim to dislike the Psalms...seems every time I make myself read there is something relevant.

I feel so...disconnected, so out of synch.
With this.
That.
Everything.
Everyone.
This world.
The Church.

You are the only One whom I know and feel any peace with.
Others do help.
Prayer.
Comfort.
Love.
But only You understand.
Only You grasp who this fool typing is.
And have poured out boundless love on me.
Time again.
Wiped away sin.
Purified and cleansed the mess of my soul.

But once again here we are.
Public records and melting pots of confusion.
Why do I persist in this foolishness?
I'm not quite sure if I made the point of the extent of my silliness if not insanity.
But I keep trying.
With some modest success I might add.

Once again we must away.
Cover me in Love, Hope and Grace.
Not the abstract ideas that most people seem to think of.
But the Love which pulled me from Hell.
And is continually pulling me out of my personal Hell.
This war against depression, anxiety, ptsd and panic attacks.

Yeah.
You know.
You alone.
Here we go again.
Thank You.

Quote of the Day:

2011-12-17T01:54:00.001-06:00

"When people impute special vices to the Christian Church, they seem entirely to forget that the world (which is the only other thing there is) has these vices much more. The Church has been cruel; but the world has been much more cruel. The Church has plotted; but the world has plotted much more. The Church has been superstitious; but it has never been so superstitious as the world is when left to itself."
-G.K. Chesterton

Psalm 77

2011-12-17T01:37:00.003-06:00

"I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
Oh, that God would listen to me!
When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help.
Interlude
You don’t let me sleep.
I am too distressed even to pray!
I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion?"
-Psalm 77:1-9

So.
Yeah.
You do that thing.
Where you do that thing.
And that other thing.
Knowing.
Seeing.
Predestination.
Depression, panic attack, anxiety, pain, nausea, fear, doubt, argument, need to be held, to cry, to love and be loved...and Lover, You whisper to me across this unfathomable divide between here and Eternity.

Whisper such sweet Love.
Compassion for my wounds.
Love to this broken soul.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Words are never enough.
Never can be, never could be enough.

"The First Time" - U2

2011-12-17T01:14:00.001-06:00

2011-12-16T05:03:00.000-06:00

"We're all trapped in a maze of relationships
Life goes on with or without you
I swim in the sea of the unconscious
I search for your heart, pursuing my true self"

Psalm 75

2011-12-15T00:59:00.001-06:00

"It is God alone who judges;
he decides who will rise and who will fall."
-Psalm 75:7

I wish I had more to say.
Things are so vague.
So blank.
Washing out and falling away.
Wondering, wonder and hope.

Quote of the Day:

2011-12-15T00:50:00.001-06:00

“When Catholicism goes bad it becomes the religion of amulets and holy places and priest craft; Protestantism, in its corresponding decay, becomes a vague mist of ethical platitudes.”
– C.S. Lewis

Quote of the Day:

2011-12-14T00:01:00.002-06:00

"There have been men before … who got so interested in proving the existence of God that they came to care nothing for God himself… as if the good Lord had nothing to do but to exist. There have been some who were so preoccupied with spreading Christianity that they never gave a thought to Christ."
-C.S. Lewis

Psalm 72

2011-12-12T09:04:00.002-06:00

^"He will rescue the poor when they cry to him;
he will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them.
He feels pity for the weak and the needy,
and he will rescue them.
He will redeem them from oppression and violence,
for their lives are precious to him."
-Psalm 72:12-14

So much heart-wrenching irony.

I wish I had answers for everything and everyone.
Or at least myself.
It seems the path to recovery is full of falling down, scraping my knees, fighting by tears, getting up and continue to walk on in despite of the pain.

When you rip away the titles the self serving gibberish and all the lies we tell to ourselves in order to justify what we do...we are more frighteningly alike than we would ever care to admit.

That leaves me responsible for me.
Accepting.
Forgiving.
Moving.
Loving.
Me.

Change is so terrifying.
So beautiful, so terrifying, so wonderful.
All at once.
Thanks for being a King and a God who knows what reality, what humanity is...for being God and man at once...full Theos and fully human bound flesh...enigma and paradox...so much love.

My heart cries out for You.
Nothing else is real.
Everything else is fading.
Thank You for never giving up on me.

Ask a stupid question...

2011-12-12T09:00:00.003-06:00

"Highschool of the Dead"

You know, I am not entirely sure what I expected.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin

Giving, Living, Wishing while Adrift in this boat

2011-12-11T02:07:00.004-06:00

If I speak,
will you listen?
If I screamed,
could you hear?

Distance is making reality dimmer
as the hope tunes out
with static glistens
air waving like it simmers.

Lips forming words
and breath giving life
as they stream,
pouring out of my soul
and still you cannot hear
just like plunging a sword
stirring up the strife
and still I dream.

Mixing metaphors
and matching symptoms
just so I can justify bleeding
out of my heart
and onto this page.

Minimizing pleasure
while maximizing the pain,
seems I became masochistic
did that happen overnight?

I offer all I offer
and say all I say.

Pretentious poem
begging for answers
just as well
the poet
doesn't have the tools
or means
of fixing this
machine
as it falls,
falters
and falls apart.

2011-11-20T01:09:00.002-06:00

"And so one morning just before dawn you came
And so with the dawn you've come

I think I've known you all along
Just lost your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
So ask me now and I'll run away with you"

Psalm 46

2011-11-16T06:37:00.004-06:00

"God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!"
-Psalm 46:1-3

Refuge and strength.
Security and strength.
Support and safety.
These things...and more.
I need them.
I miss them.
I do not know if I ever had them.

It's like I am living life in this fog.
And confusion.
The road to healing is a long and painful one.
But far from impossible.

I feel more hope now than I have in a long time.
Despite the pain, the exhaustion and the want to hide.
In spite of circumstances and pain I have and will hope.

Every time I have tried quitting I have had Jesus drag me back.
Again.
And again.
So I will continue to hope.
I am loved.
And wanted by my Beloved.

There are so many good things, wonderful and beautiful things.
With my body and mind starting to heal I think I will be able to see them.
This is just going to be a lifetime process.
Adjustments to my life and lifestyle.

Hope beyond hope.
Love beyond love.
My Beloved is mine and I am His.
He has sought me through the darkness and Hell.
The imposed isolation and fear.
And carried me, carried me so far.
Hallelujah.

Psalm 44

2011-11-14T06:44:00.002-06:00

" Rise up! Help us!
Ransom us because of your unfailing love."
- Psalm 44:26

Things feel so dry.
It doesn't help I'm hurting to the point where focusing feels almost impossible.
I want to hide.
Find a place to let the rocks fall on me.
So I will never have to deal with this life again.

But that is the old me.
The person I never want to be again.
The weakness, the fear, the inability to act and the desire to never confront or deal with things.

But there is hope.
Even in pain.
And darkness.
Hope eternal.

The Beginning of the End

2011-11-13T19:41:00.003-06:00

I want to quit.
Exhausted.
Sick.
Hurt.
Pain.
Tired.

Too much hinges on succeeding.
Free will exists.
I can quit.
But I refuse.

All this pain.
All this sorrow.
It has a reason.
I may have to help define it but it will not have been in vain.

I may hurt.
I may not understand.
But I will not be stopped.

This battle is not finished.
I will not leave it incomplete.
This will not end here.
Every ending is a new beginning.

This pain will be.
And it will not overcome.

2011-11-13T04:02:00.000-06:00

Silly, oh so silly.

2011-11-11T06:40:00.001-06:00

Hatred isn't nice.
But so isn't imposing yourself either.

2011-11-11T03:43:00.002-06:00

Feel free to replace hate with seething rage because of having to deal with an entire house of drunk people and just wanting to cry from hurting so much and...therapy hurts so much despite the healing.

Psalm 41

2011-11-11T03:12:00.002-06:00

"“O Lord,” I prayed, “have mercy on me.
Heal me, for I have sinned against you.”"
-Psalm 41:4

This Psalm is so violent and I am trying to stop thinking and feeling so...violent.
How much is permissible?
What is right?
How can justice be enforced without strength?
Is it ever right?

I'm so worn out.
No thoughts make sense.
I hope but not sure how.
Or what to hope for.

But hope I shall.

2011-11-11T03:07:00.002-06:00

I hate people.
Too much stress.
Too much irresponsible stupidity I am not in control of and have no desire to be.
I want to keep people safe.
Reduced to just the bare minimum.
The rest of you jerks can fend for yourselves.
Pull your broken drunk bodies out of the car wrecks and pick the glass out of you.

I'm not a savior.
I'm no hero.

"Now this is who we are
I am no one's hero
For we are not the giant men
That some may think
You are faithful when we are not
So I'd like to tell this story
The way it is meant to be
Without the burden that's in our hearts
None of us would have ever found You
For You are faithful when we are not
You began a work
That only you can complete"

Psalm 39

2011-11-09T07:19:00.002-06:00

"We are merely moving shadows,
and all our busy rushing ends in nothing.
We heap up wealth,
not knowing who will spend it.

And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?
My only hope is in you."
-Psalm 39:6-7

Nothing is ever what it seems it will be.
Things rise and fall.
Spinning, falling hurting and breaking apart.
Crashing against this cold world
and pain is the reward for trying.

"The more the world puts in my mouth
The more I feel like throwing up
Found the way to freedom and I'm opening the door
The more they tell me how to care
The more and more I'm giving up
Afraid of God and life and death, I'm not afraid anymore

There's a hole in the fabric of my sanity
And it's getting big enough to see through
And on the other side of losing my mind
I think I'm going to see you

There's a fire on the flag that makes you who you are
And I think my mask is starting to slip
And now that everything's breaking down
I think I'm getting a grip

There's a hole in the fabric of my sanity
And it's getting big enough to see through
And on the other side of losing my mind
I think I'm going to see you"

Choosing to love.
Choosing to believe.
All in the light of how short life is, how little time we have, how much pain it will cause...requires a level of insanity.
To think love can be found, had and kept in this swirling chaos of broken hatred is pure madness...but a madness I choose to accept.

My mind, soul and ingrained habits tell me trying is futile.
To believe and hope is failure.
To try and pointless.
I am tired of being afraid.
I am tried of trying to handle all of this alone.
In some stupid misguided attempt at whatever.

"Believing in love, believing in hope
Surrendering all of my will
Believing in nothing is scary
Believing in something is scarier still"

Psalm 38

2011-11-08T06:10:00.004-06:00

"I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
A raging fever burns within me,
and my health is broken.
I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.

You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh.
My heart beats wildly, my strength fails,
and I am going blind."
-Psalm 38:6-10

Contrary to the writer, I do not believe my frail and at times failing health is because of some specific sin, something akin to David's mistakes.

Sure I have original sin to thank for degeneration, aging, disease and clothing...but somethings simply have no single word or simplistic answers.

Yes...the depression, anxiety and PTSd are all related to various things...so many variables out of my hands...but so what?

I am an adult.
I have to take and be responsible even for things I never asked for in the first place.
All emotional, spiritual, mental angst and abuse may have not been intentional from some people...but the consequences and furthmore the pain is ALL REAL.

Not just delusions in my head.

Even the Fibromyalgia, the back/neck pain, migraines, muscle pain, insomnia and all the other physical manifestations are all valid and real as well.

I refuse to think I deserve this.
I refuse to think You Lord, do not love me.
I refuse to be a victim to the past, present or future.
Where I have made mistakes I will claim responsibility and deal with my crap.

"We are the few that won't say nothing right
We are the footsteps fading into the night
Nobody cares and nobody stares with such conviction and I say:
I never wanted this, no one ever wanted this
But they gave it to me so I might as well be proud of it
And I know I've done something wrong
All I know now is I got to do something... right"

I'm here.
I am alive.
I have survived.
I will continue to.
I will choose to love and be loved.
I need Your grace.
To push me, pull me, carry me, run with me and Love me.
I am weak, You are strong.
You are so beautiful and wonderful.

Thank You.
Thank you.

2011-11-08T06:10:00.001-06:00

Perfection.

Heh.

What a psychotic and insane lie we tell ourselves.

2011-11-07T07:33:00.001-06:00

Here goes something.

Psalm 37

2011-11-07T07:15:00.003-06:00

"Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes."
-Psalm 37:7

Who else can save me from myself?
My heart is broken.
Who can know the inner workings of something so broken,
so prone to evil
and quick to hastily act and lead to destruction?

My soul aches for You.
I worry.
I fear.
I hurt.
How can I heal?
I want to let go of this millstone on my neck
and take up Your yoke.
Carry the burden of Your love and grace.
Help me.
Help me.
Thank You.
Thank You.

Your grace is beyond words.
And my soul finds rest in You.
I want to lean against You
and just fall in Your love,
float in the Grace that saved me,
that pulled my head from ignorance
and helped me gained this perspective.

I want to move forward.
To breath.
To live.
And live in You.

Psalm 37

2011-11-07T07:15:00.000-06:00

Psalm 36

2011-11-06T07:15:00.002-06:00

"Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds."
-Psalm 36:5

That love is my hope.
That is all.
That is only.

Nothing else, there is no Plan B.
There is nothing but hope.
So much pent up fear, doubt and shame...

And yet, so much hope.
So much fearful and needed hope.
To love at all...is risk pain.
To open up to the Infinite Gulf of God, so scary.
So painful.
So unexpected.

Words feel so inefficient and cheap.
But hope remains.
Even with my broken shell.

2011-11-06T01:03:00.000-05:00

"Every time I know myself, I leave what I know behind"